Eleanor says: Everyone is scared right now, but nobody knows exactly why. It could be money, because people are always scared that they're going to go broke. Or it could be crime, even though we have very little crime in Great Falls. Or it could be this loss of identity, and that one, I can understand, but my take on it is so different, I think, from everybody else's. Everybody else is caught up in their little teeny tiny worlds that they get trapped, and I know exactly what my teeny tiny world looks like. My loss of identity is all about this bubble surrounding me -- I mean, how I am supposed to keep secrets, for example, about my mother, the famous actress. Or secrets from my father, because he seems at least as scared as I am, and I am pretty sure it's not about money or crime, but kind of about me, if that makes any sense at all. What father is scared of his daughter? But as I said, this whole being scared is just the feeling of doom, and none of us can really understand why. Not even me in my bubble. I think a major part of my problem is my own fault, but that said, I don't know where to start, you know? I don't know where to start in trying to solve things. So that's my dilemma. I think it's pretty huge, but you might go, well, I have plenty of money in the bank (this is you remember), and I don't think crime is ever going to be bad in Great Falls, and as far as the rest of it, well, sure, I have these days, you know, when I don't know what the hell is going on, but mostly -- I think I'm pretty well set. So okay (this is me talking again): have it your way. Deny everything. After you admit to yourself how bad your life is, deny everything else. But again, this is only me talking, and you could very well say, so, who are you, Eleanor Spain? Who are you to talk about my life? You're just a seventeen-year-old girl, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Isn't this the time in your life when you are NOT suppose to be scared? Huh?
So I just respond (to you, but if this is not you, it might be somebody you know -- and I am not trying to be mean -- I hope you understand that): you don't know anything, but you try, and when you try, you're kind of pitiful. I wish you could see yourself. I mean, I see my "self." I see exactly where I am. And where I am is here.
5 comments:
Being scared is a part of being alive. While I don't treasure being scared, I don't want to not feel either. The unknown is scary, but at least it's not boring.
(I original had the typo "sacred" for "scared" and somehow that fits as well.) (And my walk into work started with "Scra Lover" on the ipod. The universe is messing with the letters today. We should take advantage.)
Eleanor replies: "We should always take advantage of the words, even when the universe isn't messing with the letters. The words are like blood -- they give us life."
From the Dhammapada 212-216 (a collection of sayings of the Buddha):
"From what is dear, grief is born,
from what is dear, fear is born.
For someone freed from what is dear
there is no grief
-- so why fear?
From what is loved, grief is born,
from what is loved, fear is born.
For someone freed from what is loved,
there is no grief
-- so why fear?
From delight, grief is born,
from delight, fear is born.
For someone freed from delight
there is no grief
-- so why fear?
From sensuality, grief is born,
from sensuality, fear is born.
For someone freed from sensuality
there is no grief
-- so why fear?
From craving, grief is born,
from craving, fear is born.
For someone freed from craving
there is no grief
-- so why fear?"
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G & E...peace, joy, love, moondust and orange pop for you both.
I don't know why everyone is scared Eleanor but I know that sometimes I don't know what the future holds and sometimes I feel like I am dreaming and sometimes I wake up and don't know where I am or how I got here. I want someone to tell me what to do now. Or I am sometimes just overwhelmed with sadness and I don't know where to put it, sometimes I put it in my art and tonight I just needed to tell it somewhere and you are just the safe one to tell because I think you understand. No one really knows me here but I've told you things before so I'll just tell you now. Today is the 4th of July. In 1976 I was just 17 years old .. your just 17? Anyway it was 4th of july and I was at a river near the ocean, yes that can happen haha. I was sunburned and had a fun day of skiing and barbecues and we were getting ready to watch the firework display over the river. I was there with my boyfriend and he was sitting behind me on a lawn chair. It was nice and I was happy. Half way through the fireworks he seemed to be uncomfortable and so I asked if he wanted me to move and he said no and handed me a box. I asked what it was and he said to open it and I did and in it was a beautiful ring of two love knots with three little diamonds in each knot. I could hardly see it but I couldn't believe he gave me that. And then he asked if I would be his girlfriend even though we'd been sorta dating for a few months. I said yes and I still can't believe that I was just 17. That summer I moved away and stayed true to my promise ring and just two years later I married him on the 4th of July. It was a huge wedding and I thought we'd be married forever. Today we have been divorced for about ten years. We were legally married just 21 years. Our wedding was 32 years ago. And today is the 4th of July. I walked away from a difficult situation and a long marriage and more then anyone wants to know about. I couldn't go back even though he wanted me too and now when I hear the thunder of fireworks I am instantly sitting on that lawn chair and walking down the isle of a big church and it seems like I go through a series of snapshots of every anniversary when the whole nation celebrated with us and we with them and I am flooded with a great sense of loss and sadness. Even though I can't be married to him any more I cherish the feelings of inlove and the memories of feeling so special every 4th of July and I didnt even do anything for our country. I was just a girl .. of 17. Then I wake up and wonder how I got here? I remember that I can't be with him anymore and he's married to someone else now and I'm here typing this out to you because I'm not scared of sharing this here. Thanks Eleanor and thanks to you too Geoff .. I'm glad your here.
Tammy, thank you for sharing your words. The door is always open here -- you're always welcome. And -- without fear, of course.
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Dale -- ah, the Buddha is very wise, and so are you. To moondust, orange pop -- the peace and the joy.
G & E
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